Romantic troubles - Fall 2005 Edition
There has been a rather strange series of events recently, something I am rather intimately connected to (as roughly all of it involves me in one way or another), and something I have a rather large emotional investment in.
It all started in the town Library. I believe it was the end of summer, although it could have easily been early fall. I had gone to the library with Jon, and was standing in the checkout line. I was standing, I realized, behind a girl with an unusual hair color (blue), and I noted that she was taking out some manga. I had mixed judgements at the time, because the newly created manga section at the library had a rather bad selection (though better than any other library I had been to, and not very censored at least), however the girl was cute, and at least she was taking out manga. I think I asked her a question (probably "what manga did you take out?", though more likely something dumb like "oh, so you're into manga?"), and she answered me, and then afterwards I forgot about the whole incident for quite a while.
On halloween, I had decided to come into school dressed as Richard Stallman (for those who don't know who he is, google him. Since I am a tall, skinny nerd with short hair and no beard, the conversion was comical (especially considering that the beard looked like roadkill on my face and was kept there by string tied to some very thick horn-rimmed glasses (which apparently neither I nor RMS actually wears) ) ). In lunch, I noticed at the table next to mine, a girl with blue hair dressed in a maid uniform. I went up to her and asked her "are you dressed as Mahoro, from Mahoromatic?" (for those of you who don't know the series, it's a Gainax thing worked on in part by Hideaki Anno, about a combat robot turned maid). She said she wasn't. From then on, I took somewhat more of an interest in her, since she was apparently a part of my school (and not just visiting the library), and was obviously (at least somewhat) into cosplay (something that really catches my eye, when done attractively (which in this case, it was) ). I by then knew that she was in my lunch on day1, but didn't take active interest in her for a while.
A few incidents involving my subconcious brought some conflicts of interest into light. I was, at a certain point (a few days after the Halloween incident) seriously considering implementing what I call "Plan C". To explain, plan 'a' is a real, biological, human girlfriend, not of my own creation. When I deem that impossible, I go to plan 'b', a robotic girl. When I realize I haven't the money, nor the technology to implement such a thing, I go to plan 'c', which is an AI girlfriend who exists only on the computer. I was at the point of doing flowcharts, and I was planning on basing the personality prototype on Rei from Evangelion. I was reading the Eva manga, and pointing out cute Rei parts to a few aquantances, and I mentioned that Rei had blue hair. One of them said "Oh, you know, there's a blue-haired girl around." I suddenly remembered the bluehaired maiden I had met, and said "Blue-haired girlfriend? Where?" I had assumed that he meant that she was in the room, but the "girlfriend" part was a freudian slip. He mocked me a bit about it, but he understood it was a slip.
A few days later, I was walking to my first class on day2, and saw her sitting in front of (what I could only assume to be) her locker, listening to music. I had thought a lot about her recently, and I felt some palipitation and shortness of breath, and I turned into the classroom. I mentioned the incident to a friend in that same class, and he said that he had talked to her at one point, and that her name was "Neyomi" (or at least, that's how it was pronounced). Later on that week I was on Jon's bus, and she was on the same bus (going over my friend Shay's house, apparently), and I had a rather terrible time with wierd inner sensations (I won't call them feelings quite yet, because I hadn't any idea what they were or how to describe them).
Near the end of November, I decided I would introduce myself to her. Now, you may wonder how I could see a girl with blue hair (the only one in the entire school) once every day without noticing, but you forget that most of the time I'm either in a daze or lost in thought, and the rest of the time I'm studing something very intently to the exclusion of all else. In any case, I decided to introduce myself. I had a plan.
I screwed it up totally. I approached her at her locker, and as I looked at her, my plan dissolved. She looked at me, with what I at the time decided was a look of disdain and confusion, so I stuck out my hand. After a few seconds, she realized what I was doing, and shook my hand limply. "I'm John" I said, and she looked at me strangely and didn't answer. Thus, I walked away, deciding that I had failed.
Around the same time, I talked to Shay and said "Do you know the blue-haired girl?" She said "Oh, you mean Neyomi?" and as she said the name, my face simultaneously flushed beet red and formed itself into a goofy grin. Realizing this, I rushed out a "thanks" and sorta ran away. All of these factors came together and I decided that I had something of a crush on her.
By the time a few days had gone by, I had become totally infatuated, but strangely enough, not in the same way as usual. For one, I never really looked at any part of her other than her face. She was cute enough body-wise, and normally I would look at that even if she wasn't quite as much, but I looked at her face constantly. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Every time I saw her, my heart went DokiDoki at an almost dangerous rate, and my brain totally stopped. At one point, I was having a rather animated conversation in the cafeteria, and she walked by in the distance behind my converseur, and I couldn't talk for what seemed like three minutes. I had never felt even remotely the same about anyone else, ever. I decided, this must be love.
I talked it over with people online, people who had a lot more experience than I did. Unfortunately, they also had a lot more experience than I did, and thus a lot of the suggestions had little bearing on my situation. After all that, I decided to ask her out right off the bat. After all, it had given one friend a number of very long-term relationships, and according to another friend it would be best simply because it would minimize the amount of time I had to nervously work up to the same point. I liked it because I figured, if we were out on a date, it would give me a rather concrete excuse to talk to her (which has always given me courage in the past).
On the last monday of november, I went to her first block, and I actually managed to reel off all of what I had planned to say. "I'm seeing someone else" she said, and I stood there dumbly for a few moments, until I was run over by a TV on a cart. I got myself untangled from the moving TV and made my way into the room, accidentally slamming the door behind me. I figured she thought I took it badly, but I only ended up being depressed enough to mope for the afternoon, afterwards realizing that my feelings hadn't changed in the least. I still loved her.
I avoided her for two more days, deciding that I should give her some time for the awkwardness to wear off and then try to be friends. I expected her in Anime Club that wednesday, as we had both signed up but she had not attended a meeting thus far. She wasn't there, but the next day I saw her in the cafeteria. I started to wave to her when I realized she was sitting on another girl's lap. I was startled when I heard her say "hey, how are you?" but then realized she was apparently saying it to someone else, and so I turned, aborting my greeting and (strangely enough) not hearing a response from the person who was the reciveuse apparent. Later on in lunch, from my seat, I glanced over at her, but I realized she was already looking at me (rather wistfully, I might add; roughly the same way I looked at her when I first started realizing my feelings. She was simultaneously examining me very closely, but only in my face, it seemed.) I looked away, and five or so minutes later, I looked back and realized that she was once again looking at me (or maybe she never stopped). I thought this was rather strange, but didn't analyze it further until the next day.
The next day I was walking towards first block (my choice of garment: my austrailan Duster and brand new green-tinted silver-framed sunglasses, a rather *ahem* interesting sight, but it made the best of my physical build). I saw her looking down the hall, obviously at me. I nodded in greeting, and saw her realize what she was doing (looking surprised, then looking away quickly). She buried her face in her propped arms and looked at her knees. At that moment, I felt the palipitation and shortness of breath even more than ever, and I couldn't help but think, perhaps she was beginning to feel about me the way I feel about her.
My feelings for her are... complex. I have so far distinguished and recording the following in the mix: nervousness, a rush, euphoria, mild depression, recognition, anticipation, affection, complementation, synchronity. I feel like I could spontaneously combust at her slightest touch or word, but that such a combustion would be a bright heaven instead of the burning pain of hell. (I'm an athiest, btw. Nice to meet you ;-). Whenever I'm around her, or see her, or think about her, I get these feelings. On the surface they seem terrible, but still I never want them to stop. And when I think that maybe she feels the same way, I feel: courage, completion.
I'm not sure what any of this means. Hell, it took me ~8 years to figure out when I was hungry, ffs. So, you tell me: is this love? Or is she simply the subject of my delusion?
~ John
It all started in the town Library. I believe it was the end of summer, although it could have easily been early fall. I had gone to the library with Jon, and was standing in the checkout line. I was standing, I realized, behind a girl with an unusual hair color (blue), and I noted that she was taking out some manga. I had mixed judgements at the time, because the newly created manga section at the library had a rather bad selection (though better than any other library I had been to, and not very censored at least), however the girl was cute, and at least she was taking out manga. I think I asked her a question (probably "what manga did you take out?", though more likely something dumb like "oh, so you're into manga?"), and she answered me, and then afterwards I forgot about the whole incident for quite a while.
On halloween, I had decided to come into school dressed as Richard Stallman (for those who don't know who he is, google him. Since I am a tall, skinny nerd with short hair and no beard, the conversion was comical (especially considering that the beard looked like roadkill on my face and was kept there by string tied to some very thick horn-rimmed glasses (which apparently neither I nor RMS actually wears) ) ). In lunch, I noticed at the table next to mine, a girl with blue hair dressed in a maid uniform. I went up to her and asked her "are you dressed as Mahoro, from Mahoromatic?" (for those of you who don't know the series, it's a Gainax thing worked on in part by Hideaki Anno, about a combat robot turned maid). She said she wasn't. From then on, I took somewhat more of an interest in her, since she was apparently a part of my school (and not just visiting the library), and was obviously (at least somewhat) into cosplay (something that really catches my eye, when done attractively (which in this case, it was) ). I by then knew that she was in my lunch on day1, but didn't take active interest in her for a while.
A few incidents involving my subconcious brought some conflicts of interest into light. I was, at a certain point (a few days after the Halloween incident) seriously considering implementing what I call "Plan C". To explain, plan 'a' is a real, biological, human girlfriend, not of my own creation. When I deem that impossible, I go to plan 'b', a robotic girl. When I realize I haven't the money, nor the technology to implement such a thing, I go to plan 'c', which is an AI girlfriend who exists only on the computer. I was at the point of doing flowcharts, and I was planning on basing the personality prototype on Rei from Evangelion. I was reading the Eva manga, and pointing out cute Rei parts to a few aquantances, and I mentioned that Rei had blue hair. One of them said "Oh, you know, there's a blue-haired girl around." I suddenly remembered the bluehaired maiden I had met, and said "Blue-haired girlfriend? Where?" I had assumed that he meant that she was in the room, but the "girlfriend" part was a freudian slip. He mocked me a bit about it, but he understood it was a slip.
A few days later, I was walking to my first class on day2, and saw her sitting in front of (what I could only assume to be) her locker, listening to music. I had thought a lot about her recently, and I felt some palipitation and shortness of breath, and I turned into the classroom. I mentioned the incident to a friend in that same class, and he said that he had talked to her at one point, and that her name was "Neyomi" (or at least, that's how it was pronounced). Later on that week I was on Jon's bus, and she was on the same bus (going over my friend Shay's house, apparently), and I had a rather terrible time with wierd inner sensations (I won't call them feelings quite yet, because I hadn't any idea what they were or how to describe them).
Near the end of November, I decided I would introduce myself to her. Now, you may wonder how I could see a girl with blue hair (the only one in the entire school) once every day without noticing, but you forget that most of the time I'm either in a daze or lost in thought, and the rest of the time I'm studing something very intently to the exclusion of all else. In any case, I decided to introduce myself. I had a plan.
I screwed it up totally. I approached her at her locker, and as I looked at her, my plan dissolved. She looked at me, with what I at the time decided was a look of disdain and confusion, so I stuck out my hand. After a few seconds, she realized what I was doing, and shook my hand limply. "I'm John" I said, and she looked at me strangely and didn't answer. Thus, I walked away, deciding that I had failed.
Around the same time, I talked to Shay and said "Do you know the blue-haired girl?" She said "Oh, you mean Neyomi?" and as she said the name, my face simultaneously flushed beet red and formed itself into a goofy grin. Realizing this, I rushed out a "thanks" and sorta ran away. All of these factors came together and I decided that I had something of a crush on her.
By the time a few days had gone by, I had become totally infatuated, but strangely enough, not in the same way as usual. For one, I never really looked at any part of her other than her face. She was cute enough body-wise, and normally I would look at that even if she wasn't quite as much, but I looked at her face constantly. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Every time I saw her, my heart went DokiDoki at an almost dangerous rate, and my brain totally stopped. At one point, I was having a rather animated conversation in the cafeteria, and she walked by in the distance behind my converseur, and I couldn't talk for what seemed like three minutes. I had never felt even remotely the same about anyone else, ever. I decided, this must be love.
I talked it over with people online, people who had a lot more experience than I did. Unfortunately, they also had a lot more experience than I did, and thus a lot of the suggestions had little bearing on my situation. After all that, I decided to ask her out right off the bat. After all, it had given one friend a number of very long-term relationships, and according to another friend it would be best simply because it would minimize the amount of time I had to nervously work up to the same point. I liked it because I figured, if we were out on a date, it would give me a rather concrete excuse to talk to her (which has always given me courage in the past).
On the last monday of november, I went to her first block, and I actually managed to reel off all of what I had planned to say. "I'm seeing someone else" she said, and I stood there dumbly for a few moments, until I was run over by a TV on a cart. I got myself untangled from the moving TV and made my way into the room, accidentally slamming the door behind me. I figured she thought I took it badly, but I only ended up being depressed enough to mope for the afternoon, afterwards realizing that my feelings hadn't changed in the least. I still loved her.
I avoided her for two more days, deciding that I should give her some time for the awkwardness to wear off and then try to be friends. I expected her in Anime Club that wednesday, as we had both signed up but she had not attended a meeting thus far. She wasn't there, but the next day I saw her in the cafeteria. I started to wave to her when I realized she was sitting on another girl's lap. I was startled when I heard her say "hey, how are you?" but then realized she was apparently saying it to someone else, and so I turned, aborting my greeting and (strangely enough) not hearing a response from the person who was the reciveuse apparent. Later on in lunch, from my seat, I glanced over at her, but I realized she was already looking at me (rather wistfully, I might add; roughly the same way I looked at her when I first started realizing my feelings. She was simultaneously examining me very closely, but only in my face, it seemed.) I looked away, and five or so minutes later, I looked back and realized that she was once again looking at me (or maybe she never stopped). I thought this was rather strange, but didn't analyze it further until the next day.
The next day I was walking towards first block (my choice of garment: my austrailan Duster and brand new green-tinted silver-framed sunglasses, a rather *ahem* interesting sight, but it made the best of my physical build). I saw her looking down the hall, obviously at me. I nodded in greeting, and saw her realize what she was doing (looking surprised, then looking away quickly). She buried her face in her propped arms and looked at her knees. At that moment, I felt the palipitation and shortness of breath even more than ever, and I couldn't help but think, perhaps she was beginning to feel about me the way I feel about her.
My feelings for her are... complex. I have so far distinguished and recording the following in the mix: nervousness, a rush, euphoria, mild depression, recognition, anticipation, affection, complementation, synchronity. I feel like I could spontaneously combust at her slightest touch or word, but that such a combustion would be a bright heaven instead of the burning pain of hell. (I'm an athiest, btw. Nice to meet you ;-). Whenever I'm around her, or see her, or think about her, I get these feelings. On the surface they seem terrible, but still I never want them to stop. And when I think that maybe she feels the same way, I feel: courage, completion.
I'm not sure what any of this means. Hell, it took me ~8 years to figure out when I was hungry, ffs. So, you tell me: is this love? Or is she simply the subject of my delusion?
~ John
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home